If your kid has developed a sudden interest in your kitchen pantry, don’t start looking up culinary schools just yet.
He might not become the next Emeril Lagasse. Not unless Emeril is smoking apples these days.
Strange but true: Kids are smoking apples. At my son’s high school and yours, too. And I don’t mean they’re getting out the big metal smoker and making them for dinner. They’re poking holes in them and using them for pipes.
Just when you think television has dulled all children today into insensibility, here’s proof that ingenuity still does exist in the younger generation. Someone had to think up this idea, people. And I think we can reasonably say that he or she did not have gray hair.
The big advantage, of course, to using an apple as a pipe is that in a pinch, you can eat the evidence. And of course, when you get the munchies, it’s already on hand. Though I doubt that Granny Smith would approve.
There are entire websites devoted to this noble carving art. But it’s only one of the culinary terms kids are spouting these days.
Have you overheard your kid asking someone on the phone if they’ve got spice?
Sorry, dad. He’s not making you a nice Thai curry. He’s shopping for synthetic marijuana.
Until recently, this stuff was legal to sell, and even kindergartners know where to get it via the official kid black market. You take a bunch of herbs, spray them with THC and other scary chemicals, and, boom. You’ve got pot that’s actually legal and won’t show up on a standard drug test.
Every parent’s dream.
Synthetic marijuana looks like a bag of dried herbs. Various brands include Spice, Voodoo Spice, Nitro, Blaze, Dank, Blueberry Haze and more. Until recently, it was legal to sell and could be found at every head shop on the planet. Although it’s recently been banned, the tricky part is that if the dealers change the formula even slightly, the new concoction will be legal again.
It’s amazing what you learn about contemporary teenage culture when you’ve got a pair and spend time at their high school. Some of the information seems like a bad “Saturday Night Live” skit, until you discover, oh, wow. It’s true.
If you’re following the theme of this column, you may have already begun suspecting that when your wonderful offspring is talking to her friends about herb, she doesn’t mean with Peaches. Yes, that’s yet another slang for pot.
When your cheerleader is talking about being baked, there’s nothing in the oven. It means she’s stoned.
If your daughter is texting someone inquiring about grits, let me tell you: She’s not going to be cooking them. Grits is the new slang for cigarettes.
Ironically, thanks to the 1,000 wonderful medical marijuana dispensaries conveniently located on every corner in California, it’s actually easier these days for kids to get pot than cigarettes.
Every high school has at least one dealer with an older brother or cousin who has obtained a medical marijuana card after going to a doctor and complaining about a nagging hangnail that’s causing him intense pain.
The cousin tragically suffering from the hangnail then goes to the marijuana dispensary, after which the dealer buys the pot and resells it at a big markup to his high-school clients.
Lots of people are making tons of money doing this, especially people who run the pot dispensaries, which are owned by a new breed of people called “ganja riche.”
Unfortunately for budding adolescent tobacco addicts and the tobacco companies who love them, there’s not enough mark-up on cigarettes for dealers to do this, and laws forbidding sale to minors are so strict in California that “grits” are actually more difficult to score.
So, mom and dad, I hope this has been a useful educational seminar for you on the culinary connections your kids are making. Here are a few more kitchen terms you could hear coming out of your basement:
Cherry: The burning portion of the marijuana.
Lung cookie: Coughed-up phlegm from smoking.
Oil: Purified resin from smoked hashish or pot.
Peanut: A marijuana cigarette that’s so small it’s hard to smoke, that is now concentrated.
Pot butter: Butter flavored with marijuana. Olive oil is also sometimes infused.
Salad bowl: The bowl of a pipe that has been overpacked with marijuana.
Wake and bake: To smoke pot as soon as you wake up.
Yum. Let’s eat.
By MARLA JO FISHER/ THE ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER
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